Frost (thexphase) wrote,

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my mom suffered a mild stroke last wednesday. i cried when i heard that. had to call my grandmother on what the situation was when no one answered the phone last wed. went looking for her when my koo-kim told me they sent her out on the medivac plane. i was worried and determined to find her. so i had to find the old man who was here for a medical appt and i knew if she was sent to the city, he would know immediately where my mom was. i went to ekota and turns out they had let her go cuz she was now fine. she was sending her home and she was at the airport with the old man. i immediately left for the airport. it was 2pm. i had time before the plane left. i made it to the airport with 45 mins to spare. as i got off the bus, i headed to the check-in counter at perimeter airlines when i saw my folks. i saw my mother. i wanted to cry. i really wanted to cry so much. even right now, i want to cry. but i didnt. i wanted to start crying so hard and i wanted to hug her and put my head on her shoulder and just cry....i didnt. i love my mother. i cant bear the old man. without her i know i cant stand him. she is the peacemaker in the family and im the enforcer. i know if my mother died, the old man would resort to this old ways and start drinking and that would be the end of him. i would have to force to stop. i know i would have to quit school to make sure he didnt do anything stupid. i know my little sisters couldnt take the loss of both parents. i would go back to the reservation and look after my little sisters. no matter what was going on with my life here in the city. its my job to look after my sisters. my family would crumble with the loss of my mother. i have to do my best and i must survive. how fucked up i must be that i imagined the death of my mother and then the result of what might happen if she was gone. i thought of that. my mother had died from the stroke. my....father drinking to end the pain he feels with the loss of my mother and he dies from drinking too much and im left to go home and look after my sisters. cuz i dont trust my sister and my brothers to do the right thing. i always do that, i imagine things, im probably the only one whe imagines that the plane is going down and imagine what would happen if i died or survived. i dont want her to die. i want her to see my future wife. i want her to see my wedding. i want her to see her grandchildren and play with them. spoil them. ....yeah.
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